American Women Dislike Men

Recently, the news about marriage has not been good. Divorce rates continue to remain high. More kids than ever are growing up in single-parent households. And now, according to recent census data, there are more singles in our country than ever before. People are waiting a lot longer to marry, especially men.

There are certainly a number of factors involved in any decision to get married. A desire for more education, advancement in careers and even the widespread use and acceptance of contraceptives has contributed to the decision to postpone marriage. But I want to introduce another factor that certainly applies to America if not other places.

Women, on the whole, don’t really like men.

For a long time, I thought it was just a minor problem. Women and men like to tell jokes about one another, good naturedly ribbing each other for the obvious and more subtle differences between the sexes. Men would tell women how obsessed with looks they become. Or, they would point out how much they like to dominate conversations and endlessly talk about “where the relationship is going.” Women poke fun at men and their rampant sexuality, their love of sports and beer, and how men seem incapable of expressing meaningful feelings.

But I believe the problem goes fundamentally deeper than all this joking around. I have observed both in counseling and in social situations that women don’t like being with men. They don’t like talking with men and they certainly don’t like doing things with men. In America, we have come to a place where women actually look down upon men.

So, if that’s true, why are so many women wanting marriage and why do women spend so much time and money on trying to look attractive to men? I don’t think men have much to do with this equation. In the movie, “Freedom Writers”, a young couple has begun marriage with so much promise and affection. The wife ( a school teacher) falls in love with her students, a rough bunch from a racially blended high school in Long Beach, California. The husband watches as his wife spends more and more time at the school. To help out her students, she takes a part-time job and then a second part-time job. Soon, this couple is spending almost no time together. Every time he wants to talk about it, she tells him it will now give him more time to work on his career or more education or golf with his friends. He tells her continually that what he wants is to spend more time with her. But she continues to excel as a teacher and fail as a wife. Finally, he packs his bags and meets her in the kitchen one evening. She is devastated that he wants to leave. She proclaims her love for him and commitment to their marriage.

He looks at her and says, “You aren’t in love with me; you’re in love with the idea of being married.” She is speechless. In a moment, he has capsulized all she has struggled with. She likes her students, her career and her education much more than she likes him. Unfortunately, she is like a large percentage of American women. She doesn’t really like men. She just likes the idea of being protected, cared for and supported in marriage. In short, she doesn’t want to be alone.

American women look down their noses at women from the Philippines, Brazil and Eastern Europe who want to marry American men. Yes, these women are doing it partially for a chance to escape poverty, but a  part of their motivation has to do with their genuine love of the company of men. I counseled a couple recently where a man married his wife in Thailand. They have been married now for ten years and she genuinely loves being around her husband. She complained to me on several occasions how much she hates hanging around with American women. “All they do is criticize men. Why do they do that?” she asked me. “If they want to see men behaving badly, they should try living in Southeast Asia. Yet, for all the bad things men do to women there, we still like being with them. But American women have some of the best men in the world and they can’t stand them. It doesn’t make sense to me.” She’s correct: I rarely see that same sort of affection for a man among American women. Why is that?

There is no one answer, but I do have some theories. First, one of the sad by-products of the Women’s Liberation Movement is bitterness. Every society has treated women badly; some worse than others. One in four girls are molested in America in their lifetime. Until the Sixties, no one spoke of these atrocities except in secret. Rape, familial violence against women, alcoholic husbands, deadbeat dads suddenly were all vilified in the media and among women’s groups. This was a necessary backlash, and it was crucial for our growth as a society to change all of that.

But the desire for change also carried with it some emotional baggage. Women who resented how they were treated passed on the horrors of that treatment to their sisters. Into the collective mind of the American woman came three concepts:

1. American men are oversexed and will use sex to hurt women (remember those feminists who have told us all sex is rape).

2. American men only care for themselves and will not adequately care for their wives and families unless coerced into it.

3. American men are not good at relationships, they are only good at sports, violence and fixing things.

When bitterness scars an entire generation, it often affects the children. The daughters of the Feminist movement have a strange sense that men are not worth knowing. Men sense when they are not wanted. One of the biggest fears men face is the fear of being rejected. And as men face the reality they are not liked by most women, they retreat even further from any desire to join forever with someone who will eventually reject them.

Women, you have this opportunity in front of you. When you speak to other women, why not change your tune? Why not encourage women to let go of the past hurts and form a view of men that is more realistic. We are not all ogres and sex-maniacs. And if our desire is to know you and be with you, why not encourage this and stop referring to women who like to be with men by any number of filthy and degrading names.

Maybe then we’ll start to see men pursuing women again. Men have spent the past fifty years working on changing their ways. It is time for women to notice this and take a page from women in other countries. We would love to be liked and respected again. I think we’ve earned it.


Posted on August 30, 2011, in Single Sex and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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